TWO DEFEATS and zero goals into Heimir Hallgrímsson’s reign as Ireland manager and a fresh crisis point in Irish soccer has been reached.
“How could we lose to two teams that are objectively better than us? This is crazy,” said one football fan part of a new task force designed to help Ireland get back to winning ways.
“First off we’ll have to look up what this word, is it ‘winning’? Yeah, that one. We’ll look it up and see what it means, then it’s onto the football side of things,” added members of the task force.
International football heavyweights San Marino have already been asked to provide their expert knowledge on winning games, and have offered to put on one-on-one coaching sessions for the Irish team.
“It is good to do charity work. Maybe one day poor unfortunate people of Ireland know, after long time and many hard work, what it like to get jammy 1-0 win over Liechtenstein,” shared one San Marino player giving up his spare time to teach Matt Doherty how to run.
Among the recommendations the task force are expected to make include spending the new €13bn windfall from the Apple tax case on cloning the Italian ’90 starting 11.
UPDATE: UEFA have received a begging letter from Irish fans requesting permission to pretend Cheidozie Ogbene’s screamer of an offside goal was a legitimate goal. “Please, it’s all we have, life is misery,” read the begging letter.
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