OH IRELAND
Well, that was close. Despite all the media pearl-clutching over mass withdrawals and the inexplicable no-show of a new manager who – Football Daily checks notes – is not due to start work until the new year, England somehow stumbled over the line to win promotion back to the top tier of European football’s equivalent of the old quiz show Turnabout. A lunchtime show of such byzantine complexity even its host has gone on the record saying he didn’t understand the rules, it still attracted a huge audience because … well, it was on. And so it came to pass that Wembley was filled to capacity on Sunday for a match billed as “must-win” for England, even if a sizeable proportion of those in attendance had no idea why. Look, it was something to do.
Adopting similar tactics to an idiot arguing speciously with somebody far cleverer than them on a Social Media Abomination, Ireland set out their stall early by attempting to drag England down to their level and then beat them with their considerably more vast experience at not being very good at football. And it worked up to a point, specifically that one early in the second half when Harry Kane’s supernaturally precise, game-changing pass from the touchline to Jude Bellingham reduced them to 10 men and won England a penalty, which the skipper proceeded to score. While the Irish were entitled to feel aggrieved at having been denied an obvious penalty in the first half, their subsequent capitulation meant the post-match mood was more one of embarrassment, with their skipper Nathan Collins even going so far as to say sorry for the display.
“First of all, it’s probably an apology from all the lads for that second half,” he tooted. “That’s nowhere near the standard we should be. Obviously, circumstances change things but we know as a group we’re a lot better than that and that’s not on.” As Irish as Guinness, leprechauns and dancing a jig while holding our arms rigidly down by our sides in a manner that only a referee or his video assistant would consider natural, this edition of Football Daily thinks Collins is veering into dangerous territory by issuing an apology for a poor performance, not least because it sets a dangerous and potentially repetitive precedent given most of Ireland’s performances in recent years. We do, however, take exception to his insistence that the boys in green “are a lot better than that”, because pretty much all available evidence suggests nothing could be further from the truth.
And what of England? Following a largely successful six-game reign in charge in which he achieved his goal of winning promotion and blooded eight new youngsters including Roy Keane’s future son-in-law, the interim manager will hand over a team that is in excellent shape to Thomas Tuchel, a hired gun who has been employed for 15 games with one specific target in mind. While the German may not have been in England last week, he can hardly have failed to hear the distinct sound of media quills being sharpened before he has even taken up his new role. “I will hopefully go and meet Thomas and present what we think and what we’ve found,” cheered Carsley of the dossier he plans to leave in Tuchel’s in-tray. “I look forward to meeting him in the next few weeks.” Whether or not Tuchel will be as enthused about hearing the excruciating minutiae of how England won their episode of Turnabout is anyone’s guess.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I’m absolutely devastated so I’m going to try and cleanse the area. There’s a graveyard somewhere near. Honestly, I’m not joking. I think [it] is very close to an ancient burial site so I’m going to get my wife to come up and say sorry to all these people and hopefully we’ll have a bit more luck” – Swindon Town boss Ian Holloway has very possibly been watching too much Pet Sematary, but with his team 22nd in League Two he’s decided that the time has come for action when it comes to their “haunted” training ground. He has at least stopped short of following in the, er, footsteps of Barry Fry. “I don’t want to do what he did, I think he had to urinate on the corners of his pitch but I’m going to get my wife to come up with her sage.”
Picture the scene: the mighty Rome struggling to recapture its former glories, beset by internal power struggles that see leader after leader failing or being brought down from within, until eventually everyone turns to an old man on the fringes called Claudio …. sorry, Claudius. Surely history isn’t repeating itself?” – Mark McFadden.
Seeing Andy Morrison’s email (Friday’s Football Daily letters), which referenced Glenn Hoddle and ‘setting the balls up in the right place’ brought back unpleasant, indelible memories of the 2014 World Cup in Brazil. Maybe watching ITV’s coverage was a punishment for sins in a past life” – Ed Taylor.
Send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s letter o’ the day winner is …. Ed Taylor, who lands their very own piece of Football Weekly merch. Terms and conditions for our competitions can be viewed here.